She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
