my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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