just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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