I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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