Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
