toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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