I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
