Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
