Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Welp...herpes.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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