I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
