I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think people are normalizing furries
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize