Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
