Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
