Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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