Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
