I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
