so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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