I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
high people should be assigned attendants
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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