I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
