apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
