Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
