I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
