New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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