and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
