if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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