so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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