Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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