I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
