my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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