OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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