I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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