The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
