I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize