remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Im part way to drunk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
