you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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