also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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