Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
and you fell through a lawn chair
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
