So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
