Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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