if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
