Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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