he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
