i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
