best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
