So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
