I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
