The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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