The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
