Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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