apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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