He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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