the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
