I think I won the penis lottery.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
