If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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