When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
