Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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