apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
